It Feels Remarkable!

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. ~Buddah

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my self-concept...not self-esteem per se. I feel there is a distinct difference. I feel self-esteem is how you deem yourself on an emotional level. This can be exceedingly fickle and susceptible to any peril. It is mostly based on exterior factors, such as appearance or status. One day you can be on top of the world and then disenchanted and saddened on the next day. This is why I have been focusing on a developing a healthy self-concept - a sense of love and worth for myself that is derived from within. Instead of seeking validation from external sources, or the wavering opinions of others, I have been learning that I must obtain self-esteem as a result of self-reflection and self-analysis. 

Until recently, I have never felt ‘good enough’. I am not sure when this feeling first surfaced but I can recall as early as elementary school being teased and feeling inadequate on so many levels. This feeling of inadequacy was further fueled with each snide remark; break up, exclusion, or failure. I didn’t feel intelligent, attractive, talented, humorous, etc. and this list could go on and on. Well, unfortunately I continuously changed my exterior – clothes, hair, and diets – trying to feel adequate. This cycle has continued throughout much of the last 20+ years. 

I decided a few months ago that I wanted to embrace my natural curls. When I made this decision, it honestly had nothing to do with my prayers asking Him to help me improve my self-concept. Or did it!? When making the decision I was reflecting on a conversation with my sweet seven year old and her desire to learn more about her natural curls. I was thinking of my new hobby of running. I was thinking of the money I could save by avoiding the salon weekly. At no point did I think, “Boy, this will really help me improve my self-concept.”

Last week, I decided that I was done transitioning from relaxed hair to my natural hair. I decided that it was time for the big chop. The morning of my big chop I text a few of my closest friends to get some initial reactions and I discussed the idea with my husband (who supported my natural journey but wasn’t really thrilled about me ‘chopping’ my hair). As it got closer to my appointment time, I called my stylist and told her what I was thinking and she was super supportive and helpful as usual. By the time I was done talking to her I was pretty sure I was ready but wanted to talk to someone who had done the big chop. This could only help. Right? So I called my sister-in-law. 

She gave advice and encouraged me to follow my heart. She expressed how she felt when she looked in the mirror and the tears that followed because she felt like she was looking at herself for the first time. She stated that it was like looking at herself for the first time. She also mentioned her bout with awkwardness and insecurity over not having the hair that she was use to. Now, you have to understand that my sister-in-law changed her hair with the wind. She is stylish, adventurous, and daring – a trendsetter. So, after that conversation I wasn’t so certain anymore because I am the woman who had worn a wrap for over 20 years with only a few changes here and there. 

I had no desire to cry in my stylist’s chair nor was I trying to feel awkward and insecure once I walked out of Natural Beauty Salon. I walked in Natural Beauty feeling so many emotions – fear, excitement, insecurity, doubt, & uncertainty. Why had I called Nicole? Why did she have to discuss her tears? I know she was trying to prepare me and I truly appreciated it but I was like DARN…what do I do? To chop or not to chop? 

Kisha, my stylist, and I discussed the options for more than twenty minutes before she took me to the shampoo bowl where I would make the final decision concerning the fate of my hair. I decided I was going to do it. I figured I might as well get it over with. I sat in the chair with Kleenex in hand prepared to cry when she turned me to the mirror but just the opposite happened. I look in the mirror and the biggest smile appeared. I felt amazing. I felt empowered. I felt beautiful. 

I agree with Nicole on the fact that I felt as if I was looking at myself for the first time. I felt like the ‘hair’ was gone and now I could focus on assessing my strengths, weaknesses, talents, and potential. I felt like I was free to get to know myself, love and accept myself, improve and develop any aspects of myself that I chose. It may sound strange but I felt like He was starting to answer my prayers about dealing with my self-concept. By no means am I where I want to be but I am certainly feeling like I am taking the right steps. I know that my healthy self-concept is well on the way. I know soon that nothing will be able to rattle me or take me off my stride because I realize that “I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not YOUR expectation…I am the soul that lives within.” ~India.Arie 

I am closer to the confident, poised and assured woman that I am praying for – that He created me to be and **exhaling deeply** it feels remarkable.

THANK YOU!

Saturday I accomplished a goal that I set in April. With the help and support of my marvelous family and friends I was able to attain the title of half marathoner. As I literally approached the finished line of my six month journey I was overcome with so many emotions that I couldn't exactly process them all. In fact I am still process them.

My pillars, Shomari and the kids, are screaming and smiling with great pride on their faces from one side. My team mates and training partners are encouraging & cheering from the other side. I'm hand in hand with a lady I now consider a dear friend and mentor (she's one of the reasons I can now call myself a 'runner' on so many levels.)

Then in front of me - yards from the finish line, my finish line there lies another women. A woman that I have never seen before, yet I instantly feel a closeness to her, the same closeness I feel with my mentor, my teammates, & the thousands of other women running toward their finish line on that perfect Saturday morning. This woman was only yards from her finish line. As we approach her, medics are frantically trying to save her. As I'm forced to drop my dear friend's hand to run around the lady on the pavement and I'm flooded with emotions.

I am feeling joy, excitement, fulfillment & liberation yet I'm sadden, humbled, and mostly I'm convicted. I am smacked hard by my ungratefulness. I am feeling absolutely stupendous but brokenhearted by the scene of Lynn. Lynn was her name. She was a mother, a wife, a friend, and a champion on so many levels.

On Sunday, during my challenge/church group meeting I received an email explaining just how wonderful Lynn was and reporting the worst. Lynn didn't survive, she didn't cross the finish line of the Nashville's Women Only Marathon but I have found great joy in my heart knowing that she was Christian. I read the email message just after being reminded to treat each day as a great gift and not allow the 'little' things to interfere with life.

I was convicted on Saturday and He has been working on my heart and spirit ever since. He has been reminding me just how blessed I am. I believe that He speaks to us through His word and through His people and over the past few days His message has been crystal clear. "Stop whining and live life with a grateful and appreciative heart!"

I was talking to a very good friend yesterday when she causally mentions that the doctors think that she may have had a mini stroke. At that moment I'm taken back to the finish line, I'm taken back to my group meeting on Sunday night, I'm taken back to losing my father so suddenly and I'm reminded yet again (for the third time in three days) that life is like a fleeting moment and that I can't continue to waste it with complaints and worries. That friend and many other friends and family are very important to me. My thoughts, as I teared up on the phone with her, were have I told her how grateful I am to have her in my life. Is there someone who doesn't know just what they mean to me? I paused in that store and I gave thanks for each of my friends and family members (past, present, & future).

It is always time to give thanks. We should always be praising God, because God is always blessing us. God's blessings do rain down on us every day, in every way. We only have to hold the hand of one we love, or watch a child at play on the sidewalk, or lift a juicy apple to our lips to know that. We only have to take a breath to know it is time to give thanks.

So I am sending this to thank you. If you are reading this it is because you are important to me and I am indebted to you in some way. It's because you have impacted my life in some pivotal way. Some of you may be wondering why did she send this to me?! What have I done to impact her life? I will simply answer that with...just know that you have. Each of you have helped make me the Shavon I am today. You've either been a role model, teacher, friend, hero, comforter, inspiration, prayer worrier, shoulder, or a spark of peace in a dark moment. It maybe a note you wrote on my essay in class years ago. It may have been advice given at your kitchen counter. It may have been as simple as a few words that help me take the next step when I wanted to just stop. Or maybe it was just your actions! You may have known the impact or maybe you had no clue what you did at that moment meant so much to me (maybe at that moment I had no clue either), but regardless I want to say thank you. I want to say that I appreciate you and most importantly I love you.

My father is so good to me. He is generous beyond measure, so I cannot count high enough to itemize my blessings. If I have never told you thank you or if I have told you a million times...this email is simply to say thank you for being a blessing in my life.

Year of Praise

My favorite scripture states "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back from captivity"
Jeremiah 29:11-14

Worship invites God's presence, and that's where deliverance happens. Two men in prison were singing praises to God when suddenly the prison doors flew open and their chains fell off (Acts 16:26). In the spirit realm when we praise the Lord, the prison doors of our lives are opened, our bonds are broken, and we are set free. Praising God opens you to experience His love, and it will liberate you.

So many times we want to marinate in our pitty but I can honestly say that praising Him not matter what makes a difference.

The more time I spend praising the Lord, the more I see myself and my circumstances grow in wholeness. That's because praise softens my heart an makes it pliable. It also covers me protectively. The more the pliability and covering are maintained, the more quickly our hearts can be molded and healed. When I praise negative attitudes melt away and positive thoughts flow....I am able to have FAITH and know that He is working it out for me.

In 2009, let's not allow the burdens we carry to choke out our good intentions...regardless of how hard it maybe...make PRAISE your first reaction to whatever you face and not a last resort.

NOW is the time to lift up a prayer of praise to God for everything in your life...NOW and ALWAYS.

Thank Him for His Word, His faithfulness, His love, His grace, His healing. Thank Him for what He has done for you personally. Keep in mind that whatever you thank the Lord for-peace, financial blessing, health, a new job, an end to depression-will start the process of its being released to you at that time. So what if you can't see it YET...thank Him...PRAISE Him in advance.

In the Old Testament, the people who carried the Ark of the Covenant stopped every six steps to worship. We also have to remind ourselves not to go very far without stopping to praise and worship. For emotional healing and restoration, we have to be six-step persons and continually invite the presence of the Lord to rule in our situations.

2009 is my Year of Praise...make it yours too.

My Hardworking Men

I came home from a morning at the salon to see my favorite men hard at work. I absolutely love these photos!

My Birthday Resolution

One more year as twenty-something. WOW!

18, 21, 25… at each of these birthdays I had ah ha moments and did a little soul searching. I guess one would say that the next milestone should be 30 but I say why wait. 29 is a GREAT year and I want to count it as a milestone birthday.

I thought as I approach the 30 mark that I would feel this devastating blow, for whatever reason, but I can honestly say that I've had no sudden realization that it's time to rework my life, to 'retake control' or make 'improvements'. I mean, sure, there are things in my life that need improvements and definite 'rework' that could be used (and I'm working on it), but isn't that an ongoing process throughout one's entire life. In my 20's I lived by certain 'quotes', and while I will continue to encompass those, (ie: "Carpe diem", "Just do it") a few are added to my list, such as "You're only as old as you feel", and "With age, comes wisdom".

As I am approaching 30, I decided to stop 'freaking out' and evaluate myself and my life. Over the next year I am almost certain that I will hear my share of people saying "Don't worry about turning 30, you look great.", "you look younger than most people your age", and "you are in better shape than most 20 year olds". I had to take a step back and think, "why is that the only advice people give? Does everyone really think that is what I will be worried about?".....Is it what I will be worried about? I guess I understand why those would be the comments and comfort that people would offer me, …But there is more. So I challenged myself….

What have I learned over the past 29 years? How have I grown as a person? Which brings us to this bout of soul searching, which was probably long over due…

I've learned that as I've gotten older, I have become more comfortable in my own skin.

I've learned that doing the right thing, means doing the right thing by my standards, not someone else's.

I've learned that I don't have to settle. I have every day of my life to do that… why do it today, or even tomorrow for that matter?

I've learned that you don't have to lie to avoid saying things that are painful. It will just bite you in the ass in the end.

I've accepted that I am capable of doing whatever I put my mind to. And have reaped the rewards and benefits to prove it. PRAISE God!

I've learned that trust is one of the most significant aspects of any relationship. And to lose it, usually means losing the relationship.

I've learned to accept the fact that I am worthy of significant relationships in my life and I don't have to click to "self-destruct" mode when things get intense.

I've learned how to compromise without compromising myself in order to make life easier or happier for other people.

I've learned that I don't have to be perfect. As long as I am healthy that shows through and defines me more than anything.

I've learned that I am capable of independence.

I've learned that just because two people love each other, does not mean they should be together.

I've learned that people need you to understand them more than they need you to agree with them.

I've learned that being a good friend and have people depend on me is just as comforting as having a good friend. And I've learned the importance of my friendships.

I've learned that it is okay to 'grow out' of a relationship, whether it be love, friendship or business related.

I've learned that people you love will hurt you. You need to make peace with it, and move on.

I've learned that love does come when you least expect it and it is a beautiful feeling.

Most of all I've learned to relish my family, my husband, my children, mom and dad and siblings (this includes in-laws). Those people are invaluable.

I'm sure that there is more that I stumbled upon throughout the last few years of my life, but I definitely don't have all the answers. Maybe when I am 30 I will have all the answers (LOL) - if not, at the very least, I know I will be able to add to the previous list! What I do know is upon my reflection, mentally and physically, I am very content with myself and my life thus far. In fact I am beyond contentment....I am ecstatic. Heck I am BLESSED BEYOND BELIEF! Everything that I have asked my awesome God for He has given my direction and will power to go after it and get it.

I'm counting down to the big 3 - 0… So what?! Bring it on… Carpe Diem!!

Finally, as my birthday hit and I was pondering the thoughts above, God sent a messenger to guide me. I bumped into a friend who said, "I just saw the greatest quote: 'If your memories exceed your dreams, the end is near.'"

So I have made a birthday resolution. I will still be a dreamer, but a more realistic dreamer. As I live my last year in the 20s decade approaching the 30-year-old mark, I am now "worthy of leadership." I can be wise and practical and not try to implement a hopeless fantasy scheme. I am humble enough to know how to let go of senseless dreams.

I once read: "At age 30, one receives strength." This is the strength of character needed to pursue life's goals. The 20s process of trial and error leads to a more secure decade of the 30s, when a person is focused on true talents, pursuable goals, and genuine accomplishments.

The old cliche is true: A jack-of-all-trades is a master of none. The 20s are the training ground to become a jack-of-all-trades. The 30s is the time to focus and master those talents that can be applied in practical directions.

"It is not by muscle, speed, or physical dexterity that great things are achieved but by reflection, force of character, and judgment; in these qualities age is usually not only not poorer, but is even richer."

29 and loving it! Can't wait see what great things are in store during the next decade!

My Mom, My Self, My Daughter

I am home alone without any kids and I am missing them like crazy. They are spending a little time with their grandparents. My first time away from Brycen (that is another entry in itself).

Anyway back to the entry at hand...still hear with a little time on my hand and I started thinking of when Ken was an infant and how I changed so much. How many lessons I learn in the blink of an eye.

Today I want to share one of the most important lessons:

During the first few weeks after her birth, my mother joked that, finally, it was "payback time". "Now you'll feel what it's like to have a daughter like you," she joked. It was like she found joy in the fact that I would soon get a taste of my own medicine.

What is odd is the fact that when I am thinking back now, I would call Bonnie Goods a "cool mom." She planned sleep overs, took me and my friends to concerts, drive me past the house of the boy I liked in high school, and, after I moved away from home, spend hours thumbing through discount racks to send me clothes that always fit perfectly. And she stills sends the greatest care packages to not only me, but to my husband and the kids as well. Just the other month , when yet another package arrived at my house, my neighbor & friend commented, "You are so lucky!"

But during those times, I never treated my mother as if I considered myself particularly lucky. I treated her as if this was just the way it was, as if this was what mothers were supposed to do for their daughters. I was grateful, but never overly so. Never enough to tame myself from sniping at her when she kept talking after I told her I had to get off the phone, or when she asked me for the sixth time when I was coming home for Christmas, or when she dared to mention that I might want to paint the trim on the pedestrian door at my house. ("Like I have time!") Never enough to spontaneously hug her the next time I saw her. Never enough to tell her I loved her without being prompted by her saying it first. This, I know, is what she meant by "payback." This is what I have to look forward to now that I have a daughter--not being appreciated, not being respected, not being understood. :-(

I remember when Ken, my daughter started doing the sweetest thing as a toddler... She would run through the house looking for me, yelling "mommmmmy! mommmmmy! mommmmmy!" as if she's not only figured out what the lottery was but discovered she'd won it; then when she found me, she came toward me until she crashed into my legs and wrapped her little arms around my knees, squeezing with far more might than a toddler should have.

Then she discovered the word "love" something she had always shown me with her actions and her expression. But the first time I heard her say it, I thought my heart would explode. Love - the emotion that's so primal, so uncontrollable that it propelled her to hunt me down ( and she still does that at 4) and causes every cell in my body to vibrate as if I am about to burst into flames. "I love you too," I say, except I love her more, infinitely. My love for her has become the fuel that keeps me alive.

This, I know now, is the real payback that my mom spoke of shortly after her birth. That feeling, that freedom, that capacity to love another person more than I love myself, because this little girl is the most important thing I have ever done (along with Brycen). I would do anything--anything--to make sure she always feels safe, happy and loved.

I fear that, too soon, my daughter will become the daughter I was. She'll stop calling for mommmmmy! She'll forget, grow up. She'll yell at me and hate me. And I will, in turn, become my mother, suffering through decades of praying for my daughter to have a child of her own. Only then will she comprehend how much I love her and how very long I waited for her to know.

Will she be OK?

I often wonder if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Well. If I was really doing what I was supposed to be doing right now, my house would be cleaner and my daughter wouldn't know every character on PBS Spout, my homework would be done.....

Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing as far as life goes?

As I see Ken’s interests grow -- her affection for dancing, music, singing, and art -- I wonder how I'm supposed to know what she's supposed to do and be.

My parents started me in piano at an early age. They also sent me away to these computer camps & math and science camps during the summer. I never said I wanted to do any of that -- they just decided it was right for me. Turns out I was pretty decent at the computer, math & science stuff and ended up staying in it through college. Heck I love it, its my passion, & I use those skills for a living. But what if I would have been just as good on flute? or acting? or golf?

I played a few sports. Nothing serious. I never ice skated. And I never did one single beauty pageant.

I said all that to say...I mean what if I was supposed to be the greatest black female golf player or the first black Miss America from the state of Mississippi and my parents just totally missed the boat? (or would it be ball...”golf ball”?)

My parents cut off my piano lessons much to my devastation... yeah right :-). And while I'm deeply satisfied with my life as it stands -- husband, children, career, friends, and interests, I still ask myself "what if?"

Am I who I'm supposed to be? Doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Or is the circle of my life not yet complete? (I hope there is more)

I'm certainly not one to try my child in anything and everything, but I still want her to be able to find her path and more importantly her passions. I'm just unsure as to how to guide her without leading her in the wrong direction. If she loves something, will she always love it? If she wants to give something up, should I let her? Or should I make her stick with it?

What part of who we are today -- our life choices, our jobs, our hobbies, and our own passions had to do with our parents' choices? How do I know where she should go and what she should try? And if I mislead her, will she be able to come around, full circle, and be where she was supposed to be all along?