It Feels Remarkable!

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. ~Buddah

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my self-concept...not self-esteem per se. I feel there is a distinct difference. I feel self-esteem is how you deem yourself on an emotional level. This can be exceedingly fickle and susceptible to any peril. It is mostly based on exterior factors, such as appearance or status. One day you can be on top of the world and then disenchanted and saddened on the next day. This is why I have been focusing on a developing a healthy self-concept - a sense of love and worth for myself that is derived from within. Instead of seeking validation from external sources, or the wavering opinions of others, I have been learning that I must obtain self-esteem as a result of self-reflection and self-analysis. 

Until recently, I have never felt ‘good enough’. I am not sure when this feeling first surfaced but I can recall as early as elementary school being teased and feeling inadequate on so many levels. This feeling of inadequacy was further fueled with each snide remark; break up, exclusion, or failure. I didn’t feel intelligent, attractive, talented, humorous, etc. and this list could go on and on. Well, unfortunately I continuously changed my exterior – clothes, hair, and diets – trying to feel adequate. This cycle has continued throughout much of the last 20+ years. 

I decided a few months ago that I wanted to embrace my natural curls. When I made this decision, it honestly had nothing to do with my prayers asking Him to help me improve my self-concept. Or did it!? When making the decision I was reflecting on a conversation with my sweet seven year old and her desire to learn more about her natural curls. I was thinking of my new hobby of running. I was thinking of the money I could save by avoiding the salon weekly. At no point did I think, “Boy, this will really help me improve my self-concept.”

Last week, I decided that I was done transitioning from relaxed hair to my natural hair. I decided that it was time for the big chop. The morning of my big chop I text a few of my closest friends to get some initial reactions and I discussed the idea with my husband (who supported my natural journey but wasn’t really thrilled about me ‘chopping’ my hair). As it got closer to my appointment time, I called my stylist and told her what I was thinking and she was super supportive and helpful as usual. By the time I was done talking to her I was pretty sure I was ready but wanted to talk to someone who had done the big chop. This could only help. Right? So I called my sister-in-law. 

She gave advice and encouraged me to follow my heart. She expressed how she felt when she looked in the mirror and the tears that followed because she felt like she was looking at herself for the first time. She stated that it was like looking at herself for the first time. She also mentioned her bout with awkwardness and insecurity over not having the hair that she was use to. Now, you have to understand that my sister-in-law changed her hair with the wind. She is stylish, adventurous, and daring – a trendsetter. So, after that conversation I wasn’t so certain anymore because I am the woman who had worn a wrap for over 20 years with only a few changes here and there. 

I had no desire to cry in my stylist’s chair nor was I trying to feel awkward and insecure once I walked out of Natural Beauty Salon. I walked in Natural Beauty feeling so many emotions – fear, excitement, insecurity, doubt, & uncertainty. Why had I called Nicole? Why did she have to discuss her tears? I know she was trying to prepare me and I truly appreciated it but I was like DARN…what do I do? To chop or not to chop? 

Kisha, my stylist, and I discussed the options for more than twenty minutes before she took me to the shampoo bowl where I would make the final decision concerning the fate of my hair. I decided I was going to do it. I figured I might as well get it over with. I sat in the chair with Kleenex in hand prepared to cry when she turned me to the mirror but just the opposite happened. I look in the mirror and the biggest smile appeared. I felt amazing. I felt empowered. I felt beautiful. 

I agree with Nicole on the fact that I felt as if I was looking at myself for the first time. I felt like the ‘hair’ was gone and now I could focus on assessing my strengths, weaknesses, talents, and potential. I felt like I was free to get to know myself, love and accept myself, improve and develop any aspects of myself that I chose. It may sound strange but I felt like He was starting to answer my prayers about dealing with my self-concept. By no means am I where I want to be but I am certainly feeling like I am taking the right steps. I know that my healthy self-concept is well on the way. I know soon that nothing will be able to rattle me or take me off my stride because I realize that “I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not YOUR expectation…I am the soul that lives within.” ~India.Arie 

I am closer to the confident, poised and assured woman that I am praying for – that He created me to be and **exhaling deeply** it feels remarkable.